I dont want to be pencil lead

Saying No is never difficult for me since young, but saying Yes is a big feat for me. i am just so strange and trying hard to be different from the rest bah, watever u wan to says. Last time in tw, i oso dun wan to be groom to be higher position coz i am juz not happi with the whole company org .. i wan to leave means i wan to leave, i did not hesitate very long nor tink very long to say Yes.

now at MS, i tink i found the right company org for myself but they are pushing me to be pencil lead which i do not want to and i said no even i step on board, den i decided to still give it a try and be the pencil lead for a not very challenging team and worked for 2mths. now i decided no more pencil lead liao .. i juz want to lay low and stay low profile for the rest of my career.

there are thousands and millions of reasons why i dun wan to be a pencil lead, i flare easily, i cant control my temper and i do not like the feel of slowing down for my processors and i super dislike the feel of clearing their shits when they are in trouble n i nid to issue "warning letters" to them. super hate the pencil lead job.

i do not deny i like authority but i dislike the power that comes with it and the agonies which i heard n saw from those faces when they got into trouble with me. i jus wan to work peacefully as a normal processor. I can clear 20 logs for u per day, can clear all ur POs for u everyday but i cant face the processors when i reprimand them for sth which they did wrong and then turn around and work happily again with them. i just find it super duper hard to do that .. 1 min scold them den 1 min laugh with them .. alamak .. my emotions dont flunctuate so fast ..if i could i would be in IMH ..

haiz why do mgt say i got lead potential? why do everybody say tat? are their eyes seeing them which i have been denying myself or i am destine to fail and fall? i hate it when pple approach me asking me to go higher up in my career coz i wanted to say Yes but its so hard for me to say yes, i would rather say No coz i am so accustom to saying No.

my hubby is the opp, u wan him to say NO, its so difficult, always i am the 1 who say No to his receiving requests coz he cant help but always say Yes. he's a yes person, i am a NO person, tats why we clicked ...

haiz juz told my big big boss i dun wan to be lead when his initial intention is to promote his re-org plans again, but he had to predict this would happen someday if not now and since my big boss not in today, of coz today is the best asuspicious day and date to mention this, NO - i do not want to be Pencil Lead!

i dont know if the end result is a top-down approach decision which he will make, i dont know if he will eventually actually approve my request, but i am prepared to be transfered to another grp and listen to the commands of another pencil lead, i am prepared to juz slough my guts out over the agts and ignore that pple are juz not as hardworking as me. kept asking me, why why dont want, u are potential ..

coz my previous experience being a vice head prefect caused this. me being a vice-head, led my sec sch life in misery, made the least friends, had the least happiest memories to mention and least the most unhapi days of my life.

in jc, life picked me up, i made a bunch of very gd frds in the retained 1st yr but happier in life, was made captain of the squash club n led my team go inter-school competitions even though we had no coach of our own .. daring, u call it, but i did it. i dont even see it as a leadership position becoz i was then the convenient captain coz i was the most senior student who joined squash while the rest joined in april n i joined in jan.. so i kid myself thru the 2 yrs in jc.

manage to stick to uni after tat n laid a low life and met my bf n got married till my career path start going roller coaster ..

now the roller coaster going to start all over again mah? or i shld say i have been on the coaster since i joined ms, so nth surprising, shld i really learn to be a more YES person rather than a NO person? ..

say yes... NO.... yes la ... NO leh ... YES pls .. NO for goodness ... yes? .. NO .. byebye